bookmark_borderDear Mr. Mann – 7-Up

Originally written February of 2007

Several years back, 7-Up sponsored a promotion in which a pair of green 7-Up boxers was included as a prize. I was lucky enough to win a pair of said boxers and have worn them proudly ever since. They have become my favorite pair of boxers and I love them like a child loves a puppy. I awoke a few mornings ago however and noticed something horrible. My beloved boxers had a large hole, nay, GASH in them that made me want to put them out of their misery. I was brave and tried to stitch them up like any good parent would, but they did not survive the operation.

So, I am writing the good people of 7-Up asking that you please, PLEASE (I’m begging here) send me another pair of 7-Up boxers. I will gladly pay for them and if you have more than just one pair, I will pay for them too. I’ll even buy some 7-Up and have a drink in your honor; in fact, I will drink an entire 12 pack in your honor. I’ll even send pictures back. And I’ll do it proudly in my new 7-Up boxers!

In a good and happy world, no one should have to go without a great pair of 7-Up boxers. I am certainly having second thoughts about my own existence after the death of my 7-Up boxers. I will wear plain black boxers as a sign of mourning until I have gotten a new pair of 7-Up boxers.

I thank you for your time.

Long live 7-Up!




bookmark_borderDear Mr. Mann – Angel Soft

Originally written January of 2007

Toilet tissue may be an embarrassing topic, but I think I’m willing to tackle it because I just love your product so darn much. Several years ago when I still lived with my parents, my mother would buy the cheapest toilet tissue she could find. Needless to say, the bark in it as it wasn’t too friendly on my tender regions. When I moved out on my own, I tried a few different brands and then I discovered Angel Soft. The first time I used it I swear I heard an angel choir off in the distance. It was either that or my wacky neighbor who had an odd habit of making up his own words to the Jeopardy theme song and signing them loudly (The walls were very thin).

After several months of using your product, I convinced my mother to switch from the sand paper she had been using to Angel Soft. At first she was hesitant (Angel Soft costs a bit more than the brand she was using), but after giving her a plethora of coupons and bribing her with a free bathroom cleaning on my part, she gave it a try. After a few weeks, both my mother and father were singing my praises (Just like angels… I know, lame joke, but I couldn’t resist) and even offered to take me out to dinner… all for saving their rear ends from redness.

So to all of you Angel soft folks, thank you. I know that it can sometimes be a thankless job (working for a toilet tissue company and all) but what you do saves thousands of buttocks a year which in turn keeps them from walking with a funny limp.

God speed Angel Soft… God speed…



P.S. – I thought I’d leave you with a little joke:

Q: What’s dumb?

A: Instructions on toilet paper.

Q: What’s dumber than that?

A: Reading them.

Q: What’s even dumber?

A: Reading them and learning something.

Q: What’s dumbest of all?

A: Reading them and having to correct something you’ve been doing wrong.

bookmark_borderDear Mr. Mann – Fuze

Originally written December 6th, 2006

Recently I made my way towards a BP gas station to not only visit my elderly aunt (who just happens to work there) but to find myself a tasty, refreshing, and jaw dropping beverage (Most times it’s Dr. Pepper). Normally I prefer the soda section of my favorite gas stations, but today I found myself heading towards the “fruity” drinks. I’m not usually a “fruity” drink kind of guy, but I’ve been watching Scrubs for nearly two weeks straight and the running Appletini joke has me in the mood for something else.

As my aunt regales me with tales of her “damn knee” and “sorry ass hip” I perused the drink aisle with the careful concentration of Sherlock Holmes, but without that annoying sidekick Dr. Watson. Really, has Dr. Watson really solved any case on his own? All he does is make bad judgment calls that only serve to make Sherlock Holmes look that much smarter. If I were Dr. Watson, I’d branch out a bit and get away from the creepy Detective Holmes who ALWAYS seems to figure things out after two seconds and a pause for a fart.

But I digress. After passing the Sobe drinks (They’re so 2001) and somewhere before the Gatorade, I saw something quite out of the ordinary. “Fuze?!” I exclaimed with a joyful remark, “I must have this!” So, I purchased the Orange Mango Vitalize drink you offer and a Sobe Green Tea just in case your drink sucked. No really, always have a backup drink.

To make a long story short, I hopped into my Mustang GT (I love my car, have to fit it into every conversation) and I took a timid sip of the Fuze… After that everything was a blur. Down was up, green was red, and that dog sitting by the telephone booth asked me if I could spare a dollar. The next thing I knew I was floating in a cloud and listening to the Polyphonic Spree sing Light and Day (If you don’t know the song, you should. Look it up) and all was good in the world.

Then, the bottle ran empty.

I wept. I did. You can ask my aunt. She offered me a valium.

So the moral of the story is you have a great product. I love it. I will buy more. You should also send the troops in Iraq and Afghanistan some. I’m sure they would appreciate it.



bookmark_borderDear Mr. Mann – Toms of Maine

Originally written December 6th, 2006

Well hello there, the name is James, and I have an interest in your products solely because the Tom’s of Maine bar soap has made the dry skin problem around my elbows disappear. Well, that’s not 100% true, it’s not the sole reason, but it is the reason why I’m here now and it’s the reason why I am trying the rest of your products. Now, moving on, I have an idea! “Eureka!” says Tom, of Maine, of course.

There are some devilish companies out there (Tag, Axe, etc) that would just love to prey on the sexually immature “adults” that are out and about these days with their false images of an “encounter” with the opposite sex at every turn. That being said, I would like to recommend that Tom, of Maine, of course, or one of his partners in oh so sweet bar soap crime, develop an all natural body spray that not only smells just as good as the chemically incoherent crap that is on the shelves nowadays, but something that doesn’t use aerosols.

You see, I don’t like it when someone picks on my mother. Of course in this scenario, the mother to which I am referring is Mother Earth. And she’s not down with aerosols. She also hates it when I come home past midnight, but that’s another email. Anyway, I hate to see products that hurt the environment and I firmly believe that the best way that I can help is A, wear my Captain Planet t-shirt every week so people at work will stop me and ask questions about the environment, 2, raise cattle in my apartment not only for the free beef and milk, but also to keep the cow flatulence from leaking into the atmosphere, and D, buy as many all natural products as I can. Whether it be Tom’s of Maine products, organic products at the grocery store, or any other item that is friendly to the ecosystem.

Now, I know what you’re thinking Tom, of Maine, of course; this guy is completely nuts. Well, you’d be right. I am completely nuts, but I know a good product when I see it and I have found good products with your company. One day I hope to see Tom’s products dominating the isle at my grocery store, but until that day comes, I will remain nuts. But I digress.

And to you, Mr./Mrs./Miss. customer service agent, if you’ve made it this far in my rambling mess of an email, I just hope you take this last line with you. McDonald’s Chicken Nuggets don’t have any real chicken in them and it’s the same with the crap body spray currently offered in my local supermarket. Well, they don’t have fake chicken in them (I hope), but they do use the cheapest chemicals, the most expensive marketing campaigns, and above all, they test on animals like Koko the gorilla, who is so lonely and looking for love.

So thank you for your time. If I hear back from you, great, if not, I’ll still continue to use your products.



P.S. – Your lottery numbers are 6, 19, 22, 24, 35, 39 and your lucky letter is T.

P.P.S. – If you do happen to win with these numbers, please let me know. Daddy needs a new pair of…. Porsche 911 Turbos.

bookmark_borderDear Mr. Mann – Arbys

Originally written December 21st, 2007

Dear Arbys,

Let me tell you a story…

It was 1PM and I just woke up for the day (No, I’m not a slacker, I worked the previous night) and my hotel room didn’t have much in the way of edibles. Well, unless you count the vanilla scented soap that was in the bathroom (It sure smelled good). Otherwise, I was out of luck. With a sense of hunger in my stomach and a sense of adventure in my heart, I got dressed and headed out to find something to eat.

Out on the road I saw the same old things I was use to at home; Chili’s, Bennigan’s, Wendy’s, but none sounded good. I wanted something different. I wanted something that would make me thing “this is the best thing, EVER”. After driving for a few minutes, I finally saw it. The golden arches! And right behind them was an Arby’s.

I pulled into the drive-thru to look at the menu and was amazed. I didn’t recognize anything! Since my company was paying for all of my expenses, I could get whatever I wanted. I yearned to sit there and take my time with the menu, but there was some guy behind me in a redneck truck and he had the nerve to honk his horn at me. Since I’m not one to start any fights (I’m a lover, not a fighter) I just ordered two of the first things I saw on the menu; two Beef & Cheddar sandwiches. I pulled around, paid, and went back to my room.

Once I was in my room, I opened the bag and took a timid bite because I wasn’t sure if the sandwich would suck or not. It didn’t. And now I’m in love with them. If I could blend them up and inject them directly into my bloodstream, I would. They’re that good. They’re so good, too good, that I’m now addicted like a crack head is addicted to, well, crack. Thanks to you, I have to get a hit of your Beef & Cheddar and least three times a week. If I don’t my hands start to shake and I begin to sing 80’s power ballads at the top of my lungs (EVERY ROSE HAS ITS THORN!).

In closing, let me just say, thank you. Thank you for my new beefy and cheedery addiction. I will be forever indebted to your restaurant.

bookmark_borderDear Mr. Mann – Quiznos

Originally written December 21st, 2007

Dear Quiznos,

My journey through the wild and sometimes unpredictable world of fast food sandwiches has been a long and dangerous one. I use to reside in the valley of the bland and tasteless but now I wallow in the heavens of sweet Chicken Baja goodness. You see, at one time I was a huge proponent of Subway sandwiches. Subway was the only sandwich joint in town and I’ve practically grown up on their meatball subs.

A few years ago I moved to Tampa because I found a job closer to the “big city” and a friend of mine introduced me to Quiznos. The first sandwich I had was a Honey Bacon Club and I must say when I bit into it, the flavors were enough to put me into Honey Bacon nirvana. I was at one with the bread and all of my troubles were floating away. At one point I saw butterflies fluttering around my head and heard an angel choir in the background. It was that good. No, seriously.

After having lunch at Quiznos for the first time I realized that I had been eating at the wrong place for all these years. Subway sandwiches, which I use to crave, now taste to me like hard cardboard with mustard on top wrapped with the “Eat Fresh” jingle. Whenever I feel a slight craving for a Subway sandwich, I go over to my crazy neighbor’s apartment (he’s from Kentucky) so he can whack me over the head with a stuffed cat. Then we sit back and drink Wild Turkey until the sun goes down. (It’s actually quite relaxing, you should try it some time.)

So the moral of the story (Is there one?) is that your sandwiches are better than Subway sandwiches. If I had a billion dollars I would buy two things, a small island nation (I’ve always wanted to be a king) and a Quiznos franchise (That only serves me).

It’s good to be king.

Merry Holidays!