bookmark_borderDear Mr. Mann – BODYARMOR

Yo,

A few years ago I was walking through my regular gas station when I saw a new thing on the shelf. It was called BODYARMOR and it had all sorts of good stuff in it, but a lot of sugar. But then I saw BODYARMOR Lyte. And it had a lot of the same good stuff, but less sugar. So I got it. And it was dope. I liked it so much, that I got a few more bottles and gave them to the wife. She thought it was dope. Several months after that, Costco started selling it by the case. It was super cheap, and cheap stuff is dope stuff. So I got a case. Later, my wife was about to have a baby. After she did, she drank BBODYARMOR to help her recover, and her recovery (even though she is an older than average mom) was completely normal. Dope. Now, whenever we’re sick, BODYARMOR. Whenever we dance, BODYARMOR. Whenever we spend all day at a theme park with a toddler, BODYARMOR.

BODYARMOR is dope.

Also, you need a swag shop. I gotta get me a shirt or something.

-Ya boy… J to the Gizzle, James Gamble

bookmark_borderDear Mr. Mann – Mazda

Dear Mazda,

At some point in my life, I decided that I was the sort of person that drove an SUV. Previously I was a sports car kind of guy. If it had two doors, rear-wheel drive, and an obscene amount of horsepower, I was game. But one day, I just sort of… cracked, and decided that I should have a car that was a little safer and could fit more than 1.5 peoples. So, I started looking around for a car that was for a dude like me, and one day I saw a white Mazda SUV with black wheels and a sunroof, AND I WANTED IT. After doing a bit of research, I discovered that the car that I had seen was a CX-5 circa 2015-2016. I began an Internet search to find one at a reasonable price. I researched all the various trim levels and discovered that I wouldn’t be happy with anything other than a Grand Touring AWD… And then, one day, I got in… (queue Tron: Legacy music). Eer, one day, I found one…

The CX-5 that I found was about two hours away from me, but my car at the time was a 2012 Ford Mustang GT 5.0, so I got there in like ten minutes… I took it on a test drive, and boy did it drive like a dream. I made an offer on the spot and drove it home later that day. And, I’m still driving it. It’s a really rad car and I feel really safe in it.

So now, dear customer service associate reading this letter, if you’re still there, I have a request. I collect enamel pins and I would like to find an enamel pin of my car. I figured that Mazda may have some floating around for marketing purposes and I would like to have one. I would gladly pay for any shipping. Please let me know if this is doable.

Sincerely,

James Gamble, a Mazda CX-5 Fan

bookmark_borderDear Mr. Mann – Southwest

Dear Southwest,

A few months ago, me and my buddy Hoss were talking about going somewhere scenic. After some back and forth, we decided to go to Detroit. I’m not sure how Detroit ended up on the menu, but here we are. Anywho, we made the trip a few days ago, and let me tell you something, Detroit was cold, and then muggy, and then cold again. It was a terrible idea to go there in April. However, the trip up? Solid gold. We stopped in Nashville and had some beers… and then some BBQ… at 8:00 AM. It seemed like the right thing to do. I liked Nashville so much, that I almost thought of skipping my connecting flight to DTW so I could sample more of that sweet sweet BBQ, but alas, this is a story about going to Detroit on your plane.

Now, picture this… Me, in all my manly bearded glory, in Detroit, seeing the sights… Taking it all in… and thinking about nothing but my return flight home, through the Nashville airport. Coming home, I get on the plane, I pick my seat… GOLD. I connect my ol’ lappy toppy to the ol’ WiFis…. GOLD. I open up my browser and start watching The Eternals… BRONZE (it was not a good movie). We take off on time… GOLD. We have some bumps on the way… ALUMINIUM (I’m a nervous flier)… But, cheap cocktails… GOLD.

And when I get to Nashville, ERRY ONE gets off the plane, but me and this lady named Loretta… or was it Linda? Maybe Louise? I don’t know. She was nice. Oh, and one of the flight attendants gave me a Diet Coke because I helped pick up trash… GOLD.

I guess the real reason I’m writing you this letter is that I want a model of a Southwest plane. Can I have one? Please? Gimmie?

-James

bookmark_borderDear Mr. Mann – PDQ II

Dear People Dedicated to Quality,

On a day, much like this day, but in the past, because I’m not a time traveler… yet, I was thinking about your delicious chicken and wondering if you had ever stopped to consider the ramifications of such delicious chicken on the world at large. Have you ever considered that your chicken, yes YOUR CHICKEN, could potentially be the cause of world peace in our lifetimes? Have you ever considered that your chicken, yes YOUR CHICKEN, could bring people to the table who otherwise would not meet because of bias or hatred? Have you ever considered that your chicken, yes YOUR CHICKEN, could cause a revival of love and hope throughout the land, much like it was during the days of Woodstock (so I’ve heard, I wasn’t actually at Woodstock, because I’m not a time traveler… yet)?

I see a world where your chicken, yes YOUR CHICKEN, could be a new worldwide currency. It could be traded on the commodities markets and when given as a gift, be the most ardent show of affection for another person. Your chicken, yes YOUR CHICKEN, could be what we build our houses and office buildings with. We could use ketchup to write our most important works on pieces of your chicken, yes YOUR CHICKEN, to be preserved for future generations (not that I know anything about future generations… I’m not a time traveler… yet).

I guess what I’m saying is, please treat your chicken with the care and respect it deserves because it may be more important for humanity than you think… or… you know… whatever… I’m not a time traveler or anything… yet…

-James “The Doctor” Gamble

bookmark_borderDear Mr. Mann – Bang Energy II

Dear Bang,

A few nights ago I had a dream that I was a horse. You’d think that’d be a great dream right? Frolicking around in a field without a care in the world? Eating fresh apples and oats every day? Getting to run like the wind if you wanted to? But no… not this dream. See, I was a carousel horse in my dream, a carousel housed in the back of an 18 wheeler screaming down I90 to Butte, Montana for the annual Silver Festival. Butte is home to like, 9 people, all of them overweight, so I was not excited about this chapter in my story.

My trainer, aka, Jerry the Mechanic, drinks a lot of Bang and always seems to be in a good mood. It could also be that he’s the owner of the carnival and the only one of the employees that get to sleep in air conditioning on a regular basis. See, Jerry is the man that takes care of me (you remember, I’m a carnival horse in this dream… and boy what a dream, and what an ending… I hope you stick around for it. It’s going to be something.) and makes sure my shiny plastic horse mane is clean. He’s always wiping down my handlebars because if he didn’t, they’d be super sticky from the sugar of all the funnel cakes that people who go to carnivals, such as this one, like to eat.

So one day, I say to Jerry, “Hey man, can I try some of your Bang?” And Jerry was all like, “Holy heck! A talking fake horse!” And I’m all like “Yeah man, Jerry, thanks for all you do, but I’d really like to try some of your Bang.” Jerry says, “Alright…” and he pours some on my permanently opened plastic horse mouth. And guess what? It was nice. And then, I woke up.

~fin~

James D. Gamble II Ph.D (Professional Horse Dreamer)

bookmark_borderDear Mr. Mann – RaceTrac

Dear RaceTrac,

A few days ago, I was on my way to the horse track to lose some money on a “winner” named Jolt. I had received the tip from a “friend” of mine named Big Tim, but I don’t think he knows much about horses because he calls them all ponies. I was a little sleep-deprived at the time, so I didn’t catch onto his lack of knowledge, my bad. Anyway, on the way to the track, I needed some gas and pulled into a RaceTrac location that’s close to my house, but I hadn’t ever had the opportunity to check out. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that RaceTrac offers Ethanol Free gas… I love me some corn, but I’d rather eat it than use it to power my go-mobile, if you catch my drift.

I went inside the store to pick up some Monsters and some lottery tickets. I like to pick up lotto tickets (scratchers) before going to the horse track because even if I lose at the track, I usually win something on the scratcher. On my way over to the Monsters, I stumbled across a… FROZEN YOGURT station! AMAZING. And it was cheap too… So cheap that I ditched the idea of getting Monsters and blew my caffeine money on some delicious delicious froyo. I don’t know about you guys, but froyo is like, the best thing in the world. It’s… life-affirming.

I sat outside on a nice bench and ate my froyo and considered my life’s choices. I’d been going to the horse track for years, and Big Tim (who is also my therapist), said “Hey James, you know what you need to do? You need to get one of them regular office jobs. You feel me?” Yes, Big Tim, I feel you, yes indeed. See, Big Tim knows a little about life and how to live it. He also knows a great deal about avocados for some reason. Big Tim is a renaissance man. But, I digress.

Big Tim had a point, I needed one of them regular office jobs. So I started applying and I’m happy to say that after four days I’ve submitted three applications. My life is getting back on track. And all thanks to froyo.

…And Big Tim…

…And I guess RaceTrac too…

Sincerely,

Ya Boo, James Gamble

bookmark_borderDear Mr. Mann – Dot’s Pretzels

Dear Dot,

A few days ago I was at a church meeting with my regular men’s group. One of the guys brought in a fresh bag of your pretzels as a snack, and we were all immediately hooked. At first, the guys were a little cautious. Many of us had already eaten dinner and we didn’t want to eat anything else so late in the day. But we are also really nice and didn’t want to offend the guy that had brought the snack. So, each of us ate a couple of pretzels. I swear on my geography book, every… single… guy… went back for more. We couldn’t stop eating them. We killed a huge bag of pretzels within about 30 minutes (between 7-10 guys) and we were all a little shaken up that they were all gone. We then spent another 30 minutes just talking about how good the pretzels were. Game, changing, pretzels.

I had never heard of Dot’s Pretzels before that fateful day at church and now I have a new favorite snack. Thanks so much for such a great product!

Sincerely,

 

James Gamble

bookmark_borderDear Mr. Mann – Lazarus Naturals

Dear LN (Lazarus Naturals),

Before last year, I was buying my CBDs from another provider and was generally happy with the quality of what I received. I wasn’t super happy about the pricing, however, so I kept looking for other options. I stumbled on you after finding a Reddit post ranking the various CBD oil providers, and you were ranked higher than my other provider. I bought some CBD capsules and was super happy with the quality and the pricing, and haven’t looked back. I’m also happy with the different product variations that you offer. I’ve tried your balms, tinctures, and dog treats (well, my dog Rosco has tried the treats), and am very satisfied with all of your products.

I just wanted to write a little note to say thank you! You’re awesome.

Sincerely,

James Gamble

bookmark_borderDear Mr. Mann – Dave’s Killer Bread

Dear Dave,

I’ve gotta tell you, ever since I discovered your product in my local Publix, nothing else measures up. My wife and I have been buying your bread for about three years now. Every now and then we’re not able to find it, so we switch back to some other bread, and it’s just not the same. No other bread stays fresh as long, tastes as good, or makes me feel good about what I’m putting in my body. I recently discovered that you now have English muffins and burger buns, and I’ve tried them both, and they’re… well… killer. I’m never going back to any lesser products. Thanks for what you do, and thanks for giving us a better option than stuff like Nature’s Own.

I hope that whoever reads this has a great day. Keep on doing what you’re doing.

Sincerely,

James Gamble

bookmark_borderDear Mr. Mann – Boston Scally

Dearest Boston Scally Company,

Recently I purchased one of your caps, The Lunchbox, and am having a wonderful time wearing it. I’m genuinely delighted by the sincerity of the folks that have taken the time to let me know how much they appreciate my new style, and any time the subject comes up, I’ve been mentioning your name.

I live in Florida and we don’t get a lot of cooler weather that would necessitate a hat, but over the last two weeks, we’ve had some incredibly frigid temperatures. My son turned one on February 1st, and we celebrated his birthday the previous Saturday at an outdoor park. The temperature was in the 40s and we had 15-20mph winds that made it seem even colder. Without my trusty Lunchbox, I don’t think I would have survived as long as I did. So thank you for that.

I just wanted to write and let you know how much I like your product. I would also like to know if you have any plans for making hats that would fit the head of a dapper little boy named Jack, who recently turned one.

Sincerely,

James Gamble