Dear Mr. Mann – 7-Up

Originally written February of 2007

Several years back, 7-Up sponsored a promotion in which a pair of green 7-Up boxers was included as a prize. I was lucky enough to win a pair of said boxers and have worn them proudly ever since. They have become my favorite pair of boxers and I love them like a child loves a puppy. I awoke a few mornings ago however and noticed something horrible. My beloved boxers had a large hole, nay, GASH in them that made me want to put them out of their misery. I was brave and tried to stitch them up like any good parent would, but they did not survive the operation.

So, I am writing the good people of 7-Up asking that you please, PLEASE (I’m begging here) send me another pair of 7-Up boxers. I will gladly pay for them and if you have more than just one pair, I will pay for them too. I’ll even buy some 7-Up and have a drink in your honor; in fact, I will drink an entire 12 pack in your honor. I’ll even send pictures back. And I’ll do it proudly in my new 7-Up boxers!

In a good and happy world, no one should have to go without a great pair of 7-Up boxers. I am certainly having second thoughts about my own existence after the death of my 7-Up boxers. I will wear plain black boxers as a sign of mourning until I have gotten a new pair of 7-Up boxers.

I thank you for your time.

Long live 7-Up!