Dear Mr. Mann – Quiznos

Originally written December 21st, 2007

Dear Quiznos,

My journey through the wild and sometimes unpredictable world of fast food sandwiches has been a long and dangerous one. I use to reside in the valley of the bland and tasteless but now I wallow in the heavens of sweet Chicken Baja goodness. You see, at one time I was a huge proponent of Subway sandwiches. Subway was the only sandwich joint in town and I’ve practically grown up on their meatball subs.

A few years ago I moved to Tampa because I found a job closer to the “big city” and a friend of mine introduced me to Quiznos. The first sandwich I had was a Honey Bacon Club and I must say when I bit into it, the flavors were enough to put me into Honey Bacon nirvana. I was at one with the bread and all of my troubles were floating away. At one point I saw butterflies fluttering around my head and heard an angel choir in the background. It was that good. No, seriously.

After having lunch at Quiznos for the first time I realized that I had been eating at the wrong place for all these years. Subway sandwiches, which I use to crave, now taste to me like hard cardboard with mustard on top wrapped with the “Eat Fresh” jingle. Whenever I feel a slight craving for a Subway sandwich, I go over to my crazy neighbor’s apartment (he’s from Kentucky) so he can whack me over the head with a stuffed cat. Then we sit back and drink Wild Turkey until the sun goes down. (It’s actually quite relaxing, you should try it some time.)

So the moral of the story (Is there one?) is that your sandwiches are better than Subway sandwiches. If I had a billion dollars I would buy two things, a small island nation (I’ve always wanted to be a king) and a Quiznos franchise (That only serves me).

It’s good to be king.

Merry Holidays!