Dear Mr. Mann – Fuze

Originally written December 6th, 2006

Recently I made my way towards a BP gas station to not only visit my elderly aunt (who just happens to work there) but to find myself a tasty, refreshing, and jaw dropping beverage (Most times it’s Dr. Pepper). Normally I prefer the soda section of my favorite gas stations, but today I found myself heading towards the “fruity” drinks. I’m not usually a “fruity” drink kind of guy, but I’ve been watching Scrubs for nearly two weeks straight and the running Appletini joke has me in the mood for something else.

As my aunt regales me with tales of her “damn knee” and “sorry ass hip” I perused the drink aisle with the careful concentration of Sherlock Holmes, but without that annoying sidekick Dr. Watson. Really, has Dr. Watson really solved any case on his own? All he does is make bad judgment calls that only serve to make Sherlock Holmes look that much smarter. If I were Dr. Watson, I’d branch out a bit and get away from the creepy Detective Holmes who ALWAYS seems to figure things out after two seconds and a pause for a fart.

But I digress. After passing the Sobe drinks (They’re so 2001) and somewhere before the Gatorade, I saw something quite out of the ordinary. “Fuze?!” I exclaimed with a joyful remark, “I must have this!” So, I purchased the Orange Mango Vitalize drink you offer and a Sobe Green Tea just in case your drink sucked. No really, always have a backup drink.

To make a long story short, I hopped into my Mustang GT (I love my car, have to fit it into every conversation) and I took a timid sip of the Fuzeā€¦ After that everything was a blur. Down was up, green was red, and that dog sitting by the telephone booth asked me if I could spare a dollar. The next thing I knew I was floating in a cloud and listening to the Polyphonic Spree sing Light and Day (If you don’t know the song, you should. Look it up) and all was good in the world.

Then, the bottle ran empty.

I wept. I did. You can ask my aunt. She offered me a valium.

So the moral of the story is you have a great product. I love it. I will buy more. You should also send the troops in Iraq and Afghanistan some. I’m sure they would appreciate it.