Dear Mr. Mann – Toms of Maine

Originally written December 6th, 2006

Well hello there, the name is James, and I have an interest in your products solely because the Tom’s of Maine bar soap has made the dry skin problem around my elbows disappear. Well, that’s not 100% true, it’s not the sole reason, but it is the reason why I’m here now and it’s the reason why I am trying the rest of your products. Now, moving on, I have an idea! “Eureka!” says Tom, of Maine, of course.

There are some devilish companies out there (Tag, Axe, etc) that would just love to prey on the sexually immature “adults” that are out and about these days with their false images of an “encounter” with the opposite sex at every turn. That being said, I would like to recommend that Tom, of Maine, of course, or one of his partners in oh so sweet bar soap crime, develop an all natural body spray that not only smells just as good as the chemically incoherent crap that is on the shelves nowadays, but something that doesn’t use aerosols.

You see, I don’t like it when someone picks on my mother. Of course in this scenario, the mother to which I am referring is Mother Earth. And she’s not down with aerosols. She also hates it when I come home past midnight, but that’s another email. Anyway, I hate to see products that hurt the environment and I firmly believe that the best way that I can help is A, wear my Captain Planet t-shirt every week so people at work will stop me and ask questions about the environment, 2, raise cattle in my apartment not only for the free beef and milk, but also to keep the cow flatulence from leaking into the atmosphere, and D, buy as many all natural products as I can. Whether it be Tom’s of Maine products, organic products at the grocery store, or any other item that is friendly to the ecosystem.

Now, I know what you’re thinking Tom, of Maine, of course; this guy is completely nuts. Well, you’d be right. I am completely nuts, but I know a good product when I see it and I have found good products with your company. One day I hope to see Tom’s products dominating the isle at my grocery store, but until that day comes, I will remain nuts. But I digress.

And to you, Mr./Mrs./Miss. customer service agent, if you’ve made it this far in my rambling mess of an email, I just hope you take this last line with you. McDonald’s Chicken Nuggets don’t have any real chicken in them and it’s the same with the crap body spray currently offered in my local supermarket. Well, they don’t have fake chicken in them (I hope), but they do use the cheapest chemicals, the most expensive marketing campaigns, and above all, they test on animals like Koko the gorilla, who is so lonely and looking for love.

So thank you for your time. If I hear back from you, great, if not, I’ll still continue to use your products.



P.S. – Your lottery numbers are 6, 19, 22, 24, 35, 39 and your lucky letter is T.

P.P.S. – If you do happen to win with these numbers, please let me know. Daddy needs a new pair of…. Porsche 911 Turbos.